01/ 28/ 2019

I’m late, but in that cool/casual kind of way.

During the last few weeks of December I felt the need to document the good parts of everyday. I had the idea to make videos or write posts to help me remember to look for the good. While I’ve been filming little bits of my days, I’ve mostly been documenting quick highlights in my bullet journal. (Yeah, I’m back on the bujo train and while it’s WORK, I loooooove it.)

Today as I went through the tutorial for my writing software (!!!) I got overwhelmed. I let the tabs and features and layout get the better of me. I’m really excited to understand and use my software, but I should probably take it in doses instead of a giant binge that tears me down. Instead of crying, I took a breath and leaned back. All I really need to write is a blank screen or page or napkin or scrap paper or margin or hand. It doesn’t matter where I write as long as I do it.

That being said, I think I’m going to try to combine my desire to look for and take the best bits of each day with my want to write more. I guess that means I’m going to write a lil’ sumthin-sumthin here every day.

Oh lands, I wish you could see me now.
I’m nervous.
But why?
Whhhy does committing to and declaring a goal raise my stress levels so much?
It’s my fear of failure. Thhhaaat’s why. Because if I tell you (hi mom) that I’m going to write every day and then I don’t write every day you will know I didn’t do something I said I would do and therefore I failed.

Why do our brains do that? Why do they make failure out to be the worst thing in the world? How many things haven’t I tried for fear of failure? I hope not many, but I honestly don’t know. I’m not afraid to try things as much as I’m afraid of people knowing I’m going to try things. Which is also confusing because generally speaking, I love you but I literally do. not. care. what you think of me. I realize that sounds contradictory to what I’m saying, but hear me out! If I’m the only person who knows I tried something and failed, then it’s a lot easier to pretend like it never happened. I think admitting failure to others is really what gets me. Because in admitting failure to others, I’m forced to acknowledge it myself.

Since this year is all about taking the best, I’m going to share. Failure or not, the fact I’m writing again is tops in my book. There are so many nit-picky things that almost held me back. Not starting on January 01 was one of the biggest. lol. There are so many things we allow in our lives to keep us from going where we want to. I want writing to be fun for me again. I want it to be a flash from my half&half past, where I couldn’t wait to get on my laptop and write.

I really want to say I’m doing the dang thing but I’m still haunted from those Bachelorette promos from Becca’s season.
Here’s to 12-month periods instead of calendar years and showing that calendar who’s really the boss.
Hint: it’s me

(awww crap, it’s happening.)


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