06/ 29/ 2017

Whaddup, Pancake Butt?

Have you ever tried on pants that immediately flattened your butt like a pancake?
I did.
At American Eagle.
Because I’m 14.

I never shopped at American Eagle in junior high or high school. I’ve been a Ross/TJ Maxx girl most of my life. I’ve never been able to say no to a good deal. And call me crazy, but paying over $55 for jeans that will eventually die doesn’t make sense to me. My jeans don’t actually die, they just do this cute thing where after about a year of constant wear, they get a hole in the thigh. Thanks a lot, chub rub*.

*Chub rub is when your thighs rub together because you don’t have a thigh gap. Chub rub is the reason I swore off corduroy pants in 2010 after walking through a very quiet library with a very loud ‘Vssst! Vssst! Vssst!’ serenading my every step. Chub rub is the killer of 90% of my pants. My kids kill/stain the other 10%.

In college I started getting my jeans at Kohl’s because they carried Levi’s “jeggings.” Before you faint at the thought of me wearing those sketchy jeggings with sewn on pockets that are more for decoration than use, CHILL. Levi’s jeggings are nothing like the sketchy jeggings that showcase every roll and divot on your thighs. No, Levi’s jeggings are like regular jeans with a bit of spandex. Levi’s jeggings have been the only jeans to hug my booty in a way that makes me look like a Kardashian. Any jeans that make my bottom look good (and for less than $50!!) are a staple in my wardrobe.

My sister bought some American Eagle hi-rise jeggings last year and would NOT. STOP. TALKING ABOUT THEM. At first I thought she was crazy for claiming that anything could be more flattering or comfortable than my beloved Levi’s. So she did what any good sister would do; she brought a pair over to my house and forced me to try them on. YOU GUYS!!!!! They were so comfortable. And honestly, the fact that I could squeeze my body in a size 12 for the first time since 2012 was a miracle.  I mean, I had to jump a lot, and I couldn’t breathe or sit, but I could zip them up, so we’re calling that a win.

Yesterday I mustered the courage to walk into American Eagle for the first time in my adult life. After the initial shock of today’s trends wore off (so many holes in so many places!), I asked the 17 year-old at the cash register to “Please help me find the hi-rise jeggings.” I’d like to take this opportunity to shout out the employees at American Eagle. They were crazy nice to me. Maybe it’s because I looked like a lost sheep or they’re actually just freakishly nice people, but they were so helpful! They didn’t make me feel silly for being a 27 year-old mother of three looking for tween jeans. I’d also like to note I was the only mom there shopping for herself and not her kids. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

IDK how American Eagle does their sizing, but I’m a 14 there. SAY WHAT?!?!?!?! I’m a 16/18 in Levi’s. And I know “numbers don’t matter” blah blah blah, but it definitely put a little pep in my step. I will say that the regular “super stretch” smashed my booty like woah, but the “super SUPER stretch” cradled it juuuust right. So if you’re looking for a more rounded look and the ability to feel like you’re wearing leggings without wearing leggings, go with the super super stretch.

OKAY. Here’s what I love about the jeans.

  1. They go up SO HIGH. I’m talking at or a little above my belly button. You know how with most jeans you have to grab your belt loops and PUUUULLL up after you sit down to help get everything settled? (No? Just me? Okay. Cool.) Well I don’t have to do that with these ones because the rise is so high! Everything is in its place. Everything has a home. Everything is secure! It’s truly a Christmas miracle
  2. The super super stretch are SO comfortable. I can bend and stretch and don’t feel confined at all. My main deciding factor with jeans is to find something that looks like a jean without feeling like a jean. I just want to look nice but feel comfortable. I honestly think I could save my kids from the top slide at Chick-Fil-A in these babies

Three and four are the most important to me. Especially when it comes to post-partum shopping. If it doesn’t make me feel good – it’s not worth my time or money. If it doesn’t make me check myself out in the mirror and smile and FEEL happy, it’s not worth it. I deserve clothes that make me look and feel good. I’m worth it.

And finally, this is in no way a sponsored post. I just bought these jeans and seriously love them. But LISTEN, AMERICAN EAGLE, IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME JEANS THAT SHOWCASE MY FINEST ASSETS IN EXCHANGE FOR A BLOG POST, I WOULDN’T HATE IT.

This is the part where I tell you to stop what you’re doing and go to American Eagle NOW and git you a pair of apple bottom jeans! Or don’t, I don’t care. But I DO want you to know how important it is to buy clothes that make you feel good. Forget the number and forget the letter. Buy clothes that flatter YOU and fit YOU and make YOU feel like a queen. Because you are. But I do need to warn you that going into AE might make you want to buy an insane amount of distressed jeans. It’s a miracle I walked out with just one pair of hole-free jeans.

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