03/ 07/ 2017

Motherhood on a Tuesday Night

 

I cannot get a handle on my emotions lately. Why does dream chasing have to be so overwhelming? Why can’t motherhood and Boss Lady-ing (I hate saying that) co-exist effortlessly? Why can’t my kids peacefully nap whenever I want to film or write? Why can’t my microphone be consistently plugged in so I don’t waste 24 minutes of that precious, peaceful time for nothing? Why can’t my kids drink their watered down apple juice instead of spitting it down my back. Why can’t editing videos be a quick 30-minute deal? But I think the biggest question of all is, WHY AM I SUCH A WHINER?

The only thing I hate worse than complainers is complaining. I never want to be one of those people dumping all their issues online, but here I am. Dumping. I realize these are 100% first world problems. I get it. But the thing about my depression is that these dumb non-issue issues are huge for me. They consume me. They make me cry eight times in one day. They make me run out of waterproof mascara faster than ever before. They overwhelm me to the point of anger and hopelessness.

I don’t know why I feel like I have to do everything all at once. My brain does this funny thing where it realizes I have a lot on my plate and then it’s like, “Hey, B, why don’t you get off your lazy butt and exercise or something? It’s not like you have a lot going on. Everyone else does it. Why can’t you do it too?” I think it’s because I have all these things I know are supposed to help my mental health and instead of tackling one or two sections on the self-care wheel like a normal person, I want to take the whole pie.

I REALIZE I AM SETTING MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP ME.

And that’s how I end up here – curled up on my couch with tear-stained cheeks and a shirt crunchy from apple juice spit. It’s a cycle. One I used to go through a lot more often. I feel grateful I haven’t been back in this place for a while, but that makes being here now hard. I know this isn’t normal. I know I’m not being rational. I know I’m letting my doubt and feelings of inadequacy swallow up my confidence. I see it happening. I know it’s happening. But I don’t know how to stop it. It’s like I’m slipping on ice and I’m falling and I know I’m falling but I can’t stop myself from falling.

I thank the heavens every day for the quite moments I have when my heart feels light and my worries are paused. Whether it’s Cory randomly calling to tell me he loves me or watching the kids pile into Jude’s bed after breakfast to play sleepover. They are my sunshine. It doesn’t make everything better, but it lifts my heavy soul. That lift helps me get through the next hurdle. And I need all the help I can get right now.

Life is hard. Motherhood is hard. Balance is hard.
You’re not alone.
I promise.

 



4 responses to “Motherhood on a Tuesday Night”

  1. Mia Hein says:

    You don’t know how much I needed to read this today. Yesterday I was a complete and utter disaster emotionally. I took a shower to try to calm myself down and instead just ugly cried the whole time, lol. And I’m not even doing anything cool like writing or vlogging. I’m sorry today was hard for you, but its so good to know that people I admire have hard times too. You are amazing, girl!

  2. Kelsi says:

    Perfection-we love to set ourselves up to fail! It’s like 95% of life, I think, realizing how completely inadequate we are. It’s hard to swallow, but maybe that’s the trick and once we figure it out, we’ll get the perfection thing! Love you!

  3. Sherry Harris says:

    Oh what memories came back to my mind,memories from so many years ago when my babies were also my life and and heart.Like you most the time it was true magic:The life I had always dreamed of,a wife and a mother–loved all of it -but there were the few hours-days that the female hormones would try and creep I and mess with my head-my perfect life!!Im from such a differant generation than you dear Brissa,but we’re all connected:Perfection has always been the common enemy,it makes us doubt ourselves-are we as “good” at mothr hood as the others,are we our husbands perfect match,all our little doubts about ourselves come crashing down leaving us “curled up on the couch” with tear stained shirts!!!It will get easier-then harder-then easier,but it will still be there,but you will get stronger and you will survive.Youll look back as I do everyday of my life.Your babies will grow up -they will start lives and you then will start all over :a new chapter,with good days and bad days(curled up on the couch,with many tears and uncontrolled sobs;but then it will be from sheer sadness that you can’t hold them in your arms and comfort them whenever bad days come to them)Just breathe,move on to the next hour,the next day,the next week–it is the circle of life so wonderful and so awful but it is yours to live!!I love all of you so much and wish I could see you and those beautiful kids more God Bless you all Nanny

  4. Danica says:

    Are you telling me I shouldn’t tackle the whole pile?!!!! I feel this so hard. Love you and everything you do. I hope you know how many of us love and look up to you.

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