05/ 25/ 2016
This is the longest I have gone without getting pregnant since Jude’s been born.
What a weird way to start a conversation. “Hey. I’m Brissa. It’s May and I’m not pregnant and that’s the first time that’s happened since 2013 and I don’t know what to do about it.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If we’re being completely honest, I’m nervous. It’s like making plans with a friend you haven’t seen in years and wondering if it’s going to be like old times or if it’ll be awkward because you’ve both changed. So much of my identity these past three years has been wrapped up in my pregnancies. I haven’t been able to focus on myself as a “me” instead of a “we” and it’s throwing me for a loop.
Because my pregnancies have been back-to-back, I haven’t had a “typical” postpartum experience. This is the first time I have to think about losing baby weight. It’s the first time I can actually focus on the baby in my arms without thinking about the one in my belly. The first time I can’t use my pregnancy as a blanket excuse for anything. How will I ever survive?!! I think postpartum life is going to be a bigger adjustment than pregnancy was.
The biggest thing I’m going to miss is the self-confidence that came with each of my pregnancies. Pregnancy taught me to love and appreciate my body. I’m worried all that confidence will be lost without a belly to remind me to work (work work work work work) it and love myself as I am. I’m in a better place than I was five years ago, so the hill isn’t as steep but it’s still a climb.
My hormones (and periods) are all over the place. When I called the nurse line at my doctor’s office to ask if irregular monthly’s were normal after having a baby, she told me it was. When I told her I’d been pregnant for the past three years she laughed at me and said, “Oooh yeah. Your hormones are going crazy right now.” Whaaattt?! I had no ideaaaaa!!!!!
Crazy hormones aside, I’m so grateful for the chance I have to be me again. It’s just weird to actually BE ALONE when I’m alone. Weird and kind of great. For the first time in forever all the ice cream I’m eating is for me and no one else. I can’t tell you how amazing that is.
05/ 23/ 2016
On my way back from my parents last Friday, ‘Roar’ came on the radio. Katy was belting her little tiger heart out and I started to cry. I don’t know when I started holding myself back, but it took that dang song to make me realize I had been.
I don’t know how many times I have to preach about overcoming the fear of failure before it actually sticks. I know I haven’t lost my voice but I do know it’s playing a crazy game of hide-and-seek. I keep getting caught up in this self-inflicted comparison trap and it’s killing me. I feel like I have to be someone else. I feel like I have to create tutorials or how-to’s or write advice. I feel like I have to “give the people” something when all I want to do is write. I feel like I have to have a brand because it’s 2016 and if you don’t have a brand you might as well be dead to the internet. But the more I think about what my brand is, the more it feels like I’m trying to box myself in.
I’m done. I’m sick of quitting before I start. I’m sick of trying to think of ideas for clickable content. I’m just going to do what I do. And what I do is write. I’m not writing for you, or Pinterest, or free Blue Apron meals. I’m writing for me. For my sanity. For my heart. I’m writing about what I know and what I live and what I love.
I’m going back to basics. Word by word and hope they eventually flow as organically as they once did. I’m not going to feel dumb writing about the shallowest things like my serious lust for Kim K’s bronde hair. I’m not going to be afraid to write about the afternoons I’ve spent sitting on my couch sobbing. I can’t let the fear of what people might think hold me back.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve announced a comeback, but this time I’m sticking with it.
I’m letting go of everything I think I need to be and letting my freak flag fly.