10/ 11/ 2017
This morning I sat in the Costco parking lot and cried. I pulled myself together enough to get some chicken and Zyrtec, but I had to wear sunglasses inside because I didn’t trust my eyes. A tear creeped out while I paid and when Zeke reached to give me a hug, the floodgates opened again. I sobbed as I pushed my cart across the parking lot. Wishing a stranger would stop and give me a hug. I just needed someone to look me in the eye and tell me it would be okay.
I’m trying to convince myself it’s because I’ve been to the pediatrician four times in the past week.
Because we’ve had three cases of double pink eye,
two double ear infections,
two sore throats,
a bladder infection,
and now hives.
I’m trying to tell myself it’s my circumstance.
But deep, deep down I know it’s not.
I’m not good at self-care. I’m not good at putting myself first when so many other things seem more important. I don’t know how. I have moments where I get centered, but then I’m back at square one. Grasping for calm like I’m falling down a mountain. I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m breathing, but I’m stuck. And stuck is not where I want to be.
I am so blessed to have so much love, support and patience around me, but I can’t ask for help because I don’t know where to start. How do you ask for help with something you can’t describe? How do you say,
“I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m sad again. I’m really sad. I think it’s because I don’t take time to recharge. I think it’s because I focus all my energy on taking care of everyone else I forget to take care of me. And I know I’m taken care of but that’s different than taking care of yourself. I’m too tired to edit, which makes me feel like a failure. Because when I don’t make the time to edit at the end of a really long day, I feel like maybe videos aren’t my passion or I’m not pushing hard enough. And maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m lazy or maybe I’m scared. Or maybe I’m just not good enough.
I don’t know how you “fix” the sadness – the depression. Everything I read talks about self-care but how do you self-care when you don’t know what it looks like for you? Is it writing? Is it editing? Is it painting my nails? WHAT IS IT? Is self-care letting myself stop and rest? But then is my rest indulgence instead of care? How do I know if I’m helping or hurting? Why can’t someone hold my hand through this and tell me how to take care of myself so I know.
Why don’t I know?
How do you know?
Is it like falling in love? Do you just happen upon it one day? Does it smack you in the face one random Tuesday night and say, “HELLO! I’VE BEEN HERE WAITING FOR YOU.”
How do you find it? How do you know you’ve found it?
I just want to know what it looks like.
I’m desperate for its face.
I’m just so thick in the forest I can’t see the trees, but I know I’ve been on the other side. I know I’ve been there and I know it was good. I don’t know why I keep getting lost. Are my woods some kind of mind maze? What I would give to have a helicopter with a rescue light and a rope ladder hovering above me right now. But that’s not how this works. I have to keep finding my way out over and over again. Sometimes I’ll be able to get out fast and unscathed. But there will be times, like now, where I have to fight for the light every day. Where I walk and turn and walk and turn and pray with all my heart I’m going the right way.
– – –
I know it’s not #fun to read about depression without some type of resolve. It’s not inspiring. It’s not enlightening. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a thousand times more:
We need to talk about our struggles while we’re in the middle of them so we know we’re not alone.
We don’t all exit our mazes at the same time. Some are in the beginning, some are lost in this weird circle that keeps producing dead ends, and some are on the outside, waiting, hoping, and cheering. Just because we’re not in the same spot doesn’t mean we can’t walk home together.
If you wait for me, I’ll wait for you.
09/ 21/ 2017
In my last Get Ready With Me video, I mentioned seeing magnetic eyelashes on Facebook and asked if you guys would be interested in seeing a review on them. You were, so I found a pair on Amazon and got to getting. These lashes weren’t my top choice, but while checking reviews on multiple different lashes, my #1 pick went from being available to sold out with no restock date in sight. I was hoping for the best and praying the four and five star reviews I read about these lashes were the rule and not the exception.
They weren’t. At least not in my case.
The magnets weren’t on right and no matter how hard I tried to will them to work, they wouldn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to achieve the lazy-glam look. I haven’t given up quite yet and am determined to find a pair of reasonably priced magnetic eyelashes that work! All I need is something that has magnets applied properly and doesn’t make me look like I have caterpillar eyes If you have a favorite (RELIABLE) magnetic eyelash source, holla atca guuurl! I have a feeling I’m going to need all the help I can get.
09/ 20/ 2017
*my actual handwriting hasn’t really suffered at all. I was just being dramatic and it seemed fitting to keep escalating it. You know how I do.
08/ 24/ 2017
Whether you realize it or not, your stomach DOES SOMETHING when you’re nervous. Some people get butterflies, some a roller coaster effect. Me? I get the nervous poops. It’s not pretty, but THIS IS REAL LIFE, PEOPLE. I was asked to speak in church last Sunday and even though I was prepared, the nervous poops still made an appearance. In an attempt to calm my nerves (and my stomach), I decided to film myself get ready. It worked like a charm. Who knew talking to myself like a lunatic was the cure all along?
I’m not fancy when it comes to makeup. But if you’re into drugstore scores, allow me to hook a sister up. I’m linking to everything I can find on Amazon because it’s where I spend 75% of my online time, but please note some of it is $2-3 cheaper at Target. It wasn’t until after I made this video that I realized I didn’t talk about every product like you’re supposed to in a ‘Get Ready With Me’ video. So here’s a list if you’re curious about what I put on my face (FYI, they’re affiliate links). I like to think I made up for not naming my products by occasionally doing that hand thing. Why do beauty vloggers do that? Is it to see the product better? Is it because they got their starts as hand models? Please explain!
e.l.f. Poreless Primer – mine ran out, but if you saw my last GRWM, you know how much I love this stuff
Olay Complete Moisturizer
e.l.f. Color correction – I couldn’t find the exact one, but this one has more options for a better deal
L’oreal Infallible Pro-Glo
NYX HD Studio Concealer
Kristofer Buckle Sculpt & Define Palette – I bought this at Costco last year for $10. If you find it please buy one for me
Neutrogena Shine Control
e.l.f. Eyebrow Kit
e.l.f. Blush Brush – for blush, duh
e.l.f. Powder Brush – for bronzer
e.l.f. Eyebrow Brush – to comb dem brows
e.l.f. Small Angle Brush – to fill my brows
e.l.f. Retractable Kabuki Brush – this isn’t the one I used in the video, my MIL gave that one to me and IDK what brand it is. When in doubt, e.l.f.
Hands – these are mine and not for sale
08/ 18/ 2017
Last year Cory and I decided to make our anniversary’s more about experiences than gifts. The only exception to that rule is the mixed tape he is required (ahem, lovingly encouraged) to make me every year. When we were dating, Cory made me a CD and I loved it so much. I listened to it on the drive down to Provo and cried the entire time because I loved it and him so much. Every song was thoughtful and sweet and meant something to our relationship. (If songs by The Lonely Island and Sir Mix-a-Lot aren’t included in the first CD a boy gives you, he’s doing something wrong.) Well this year, Cory went above and beyond and made me a FIVE DISC COMPILATION consisting of 90 songs that reminded him of me. *cue crying emoji face* The second track of the whole series was “Praying.” The man knows his audience. *cue crying emoji face repeated five times*
Some might think 90 songs is *too much* but it ended up being the perfect playlist on our road trip to Jackson last weekend. We honeymooned in Jackson and hadn’t been back since I was pregnant with Jude, so it made sense to revisit the land where it all started. As soon as we pulled into town it felt like only a few months had passed since we last filled our mugs at the Loaf’n’Jug instead of four years. The biggest disappointment was discovering that our beloved Shades Cafe had closed. Cory and I have been dreaming of their eggs Benedict since our honeymoon. We’ve only had them three times, but trust me when I say these eggs are the type of food you write home about. We did some investigative research (read: googled and stalked their Facebook page) and discovered they closed down in December of 2013 – just six short months after we ate there for the last time. IF ONLY WE HAD KNOWN!!!! We mended our hearts by visiting our other Jackson staple, MADE and buying some earrings and cuff links, you know, adult things.
I’m the type of person who is so focused on “being in the moment” that I often forget to document. I made it a goal to document this trip and I’m so glad I did. Every time I watch this video, it takes me back to last weekend and I can’t help but smile. But my favorite parts of the entire trip were the ones that didn’t make the cut. Quiet dinner conversations, holding hands in the car, buying sunglasses at Walmart before we left because we BOTH left ours in the van, sharing our goals while we got ready and discussing our dreams as we fell asleep. I feel so very lucky to be married to my best friend. He supports me in every. single. thing I do with unfailing faith. I love you so much Cory. Thank you for everything. You’re the best of the best and I am so glad I get to call you mine.
I could keep talking about our trip or how great Cory is, but I’m sure you’d much rather watch me be awkward on camera. I don’t know what it is about holding a camera and talking while walking, but it’s a lot more uncomfortable than sitting in front of my camera on the couch. It might have something to do with all the strange looks people kept giving me. They’re going to feel so dumb for judging me when I finally land my own show on E!.*
*I’m not actually trying to get my own reality show. I let that dream die after my college roommate and I messaged MTV telling them they should give us our own reality show. They never responded. Who wouldn’t want to watch a bunch of sober college kids playing Rockband and making lip sync videos on a Mac? MTV really missed out on a gold mine. Feisty and Rico forever!
08/ 08/ 2017
For a little over the past year I have been in the depths of postpartum depression and anxiety. Even though I was surrounded by loving family and friends, I felt so alone in my struggle. I either felt anger or nothing. I hated when I didn’t feel. I would curl up on my couch and cry until my tears stung my cheeks because I couldn’t feel anything. I would clutch my arms, rock back and forth while my heart screamed for anything other than neutrality.
The longer I struggle with depression and anxiety, the more open I’ve become about it. But THIS, putting it out on the internet for anyone to read has been really hard for me. Putting your struggles on blast is a lot less intimate than talking with a friend who has gone through the same struggles or with someone who “gets it.”
A few months ago I read an article by Chrissy Teigen about her experience with postpartum depression and so much of it resonated with me. I’d like to include a section that knocked the breath out of me and made me stop as soon as I read it.
Chrissy gets me. It has been so hard for me to get past the selfish feeling and admit I struggle with postpartum anxiety and depression. Especially when I logically know everything in my life is good and I have the best husband and kids. Something about speaking out makes me feel ungrateful for the wonderful life I have – it’s a weird type of guilt. But Chrissy’s right, depression (postpartum or “traditional”) doesn’t discriminate. It gets everyone no matter your walk or stage of life.
I am so incredibly grateful for Cory and for the constant source of strength he provides me. He literally picks me up when I don’t have the strength to move. He is always and forever my rock. Reminding me I’m strong, brave, smart, and most of all – enough – when my brain is trying to convince me I’m not. I’m thankful for my sweet children who love me unconditionally no matter my mood. Who never stop asking, “what about a biiiig hug and kiss?” Who have wiped the tears from my cheeks more times than I can count. I often feel unworthy of their love and kindness, but they are constantly showing me the goodness in my world when I can’t always see it.
For those of you who are suffering openly or silently, I hope you know I mean it with all my heart when I say I am here. Sometimes all you need is one person on your team when everything else feels stacked against you. I will always be on your team. Always
I don’t know if depression ever leaves, but I’m learning how to cope with it each day.
I’m trying and I think that counts for something.
07/ 17/ 2017
In May Cory had to go out of town and I was FINALLY going to watch a sad movie and have the good cry my heart had been needing. I decided to watch The Light Between Oceans. It had been one of the most popular suggestions last time he went out of town. Have you ever seen The Light Between Oceans? Don’t. Please don’t. Not unless you want your heart to be sucked out of your chest and stomped on a thousand times by stupid Michael Fassbender*. Why couldn’t he leave well enough alone? WHY, MICHAEL?!?!!?
I have truly never in my life felt so completely broken after a movie. I’m the girl whose heart couldn’t stop pounding after Titanic and who ugly cried her way through reading The Fault In Our Stars on a plane and again when I saw it on screen. I like when movies make me feel but this movie went past feeling and sent me straight into a blubbering shock which led to numbness and the inability to eat ice cream. It was bad.
*I understand this is a movie and he was playing a character, but I’m taking this whole thing very personally. I haven’t been able to look at a sunset without crying since May and I am 100% blaming Michael Fassbender.
06/ 29/ 2017
Have you ever tried on pants that immediately flattened your butt like a pancake?
At American Eagle.
Because I’m 14.
I never shopped at American Eagle in junior high or high school. I’ve been a Ross/TJ Maxx girl most of my life. I’ve never been able to say no to a good deal. And call me crazy, but paying over $55 for jeans that will eventually die doesn’t make sense to me. My jeans don’t actually die, they just do this cute thing where after about a year of constant wear, they get a hole in the thigh. Thanks a lot, chub rub*.
In college I started getting my jeans at Kohl’s because they carried Levi’s “jeggings.” Before you faint at the thought of me wearing those sketchy jeggings with sewn on pockets that are more for decoration than use, CHILL. Levi’s jeggings are nothing like the sketchy jeggings that showcase every roll and divot on your thighs. No, Levi’s jeggings are like regular jeans with a bit of spandex. Levi’s jeggings have been the only jeans to hug my booty in a way that makes me look like a Kardashian. Any jeans that make my bottom look good (and for less than $50!!) are a staple in my wardrobe.
My sister bought some American Eagle hi-rise jeggings last year and would NOT. STOP. TALKING ABOUT THEM. At first I thought she was crazy for claiming that anything could be more flattering or comfortable than my beloved Levi’s. So she did what any good sister would do; she brought a pair over to my house and forced me to try them on. YOU GUYS!!!!! They were so comfortable. And honestly, the fact that I could squeeze my body in a size 12 for the first time since 2012 was a miracle. I mean, I had to jump a lot, and I couldn’t breathe or sit, but I could zip them up, so we’re calling that a win.
Yesterday I mustered the courage to walk into American Eagle for the first time in my adult life. After the initial shock of today’s trends wore off (so many holes in so many places!), I asked the 17 year-old at the cash register to “Please help me find the hi-rise jeggings.” I’d like to take this opportunity to shout out the employees at American Eagle. They were crazy nice to me. Maybe it’s because I looked like a lost sheep or they’re actually just freakishly nice people, but they were so helpful! They didn’t make me feel silly for being a 27 year-old mother of three looking for tween jeans. I’d also like to note I was the only mom there shopping for herself and not her kids. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
IDK how American Eagle does their sizing, but I’m a 14 there. SAY WHAT?!?!?!?! I’m a 16/18 in Levi’s. And I know “numbers don’t matter” blah blah blah, but it definitely put a little pep in my step. I will say that the regular “super stretch” smashed my booty like woah, but the “super SUPER stretch” cradled it juuuust right. So if you’re looking for a more rounded look and the ability to feel like you’re wearing leggings without wearing leggings, go with the super super stretch.
OKAY. Here’s what I love about the jeans.
Three and four are the most important to me. Especially when it comes to post-partum shopping. If it doesn’t make me feel good – it’s not worth my time or money. If it doesn’t make me check myself out in the mirror and smile and FEEL happy, it’s not worth it. I deserve clothes that make me look and feel good. I’m worth it.
And finally, this is in no way a sponsored post. I just bought these jeans and seriously love them. But LISTEN, AMERICAN EAGLE, IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME JEANS THAT SHOWCASE MY FINEST ASSETS IN EXCHANGE FOR A BLOG POST, I WOULDN’T HATE IT.
This is the part where I tell you to stop what you’re doing and go to American Eagle NOW and git you a pair of apple bottom jeans! Or don’t, I don’t care. But I DO want you to know how important it is to buy clothes that make you feel good. Forget the number and forget the letter. Buy clothes that flatter YOU and fit YOU and make YOU feel like a queen. Because you are. But I do need to warn you that going into AE might make you want to buy an insane amount of distressed jeans. It’s a miracle I walked out with just one pair of hole-free jeans.
06/ 19/ 2017
Growing up my family went on beach vacations. All we cared about was swimming in a warm ocean and playing in the sand. Cory grew up four-wheeling, fishing and hunting. Despite our different vacationing styles, we both loved the time we spent with our families. My family has inside jokes made on vacations taken almost ten years ago that we still reference today (brain mattah!).
Vacations are what help made our families grow stronger and closer – that’s why we bought Traylor Swift. We want Jude, Ezra and Isaac to love the outdoors as much as we do. We want to expose them to life outside of our tiny neighborhood. We want to give them a glimpse of our technology-free childhood. We want to take them to the mountains, let them play in the dirt, explore and dig and get messy. We want to let them imagine in every forest we can.
I know that technically they can do all that digging and mess-making at home, but there’s something about being in the wilderness that makes everyday activities magical. Everything’s an adventure when you’re outside.
To kick off our trailer living lives, we headed to Caribou-Targhee National Forest over Memorial Day weekend. We were rained in most of the time, but managed to make the most of it. The kids loved throwing rocks in the river and eating ice cream cones while freezing on a bench outside a gas station. I loved watching them jump in puddles with their marshmallow crusted faces.
I have a feeling buying Traylor Swift is going to be one of the best things we’ve ever done.
04/ 21/ 2017
Hello? Is this thing on? I did NOT mean to take this long of a break from making videos, but sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. And lately my heart has been wanting a lot of nights watching Netflix wrapped in the softest Christmas blanket I own. But I finally buckled down and finished editing some footage that’s about a month old. I know. I KNOOOOOW. Maybe this will get me back in the groove? Hopefully? IDK. I should probably just throw away my cozy Chrsitmas blanket and pray that dramatic solution turns me into an editing robot.
Let’s get one thing straight – I am not in any way a makeup artist. I feel like that should be obvious, but I just want to cover my bases. Last month Cory booked me a night in a hotel where I could sleep in and take a bath and forget about everyone else but me for a night. It was amazing. I decided to take advantage of that solo time to film a get ready with me video. I feel weird labeling it a get ready with me video. It’s mostly just me talking about things I usually talk about to myself in the mirror while I get ready. Except this time there aren’t any cute little kids banging on the door asking why they can’t help me with my lipstick.