08/ 08/ 2017
For a little over the past year I have been in the depths of postpartum depression and anxiety. Even though I was surrounded by loving family and friends, I felt so alone in my struggle. I either felt anger or nothing. I hated when I didn’t feel. I would curl up on my couch and cry until my tears stung my cheeks because I couldn’t feel anything. I would clutch my arms, rock back and forth while my heart screamed for anything other than neutrality.
The longer I struggle with depression and anxiety, the more open I’ve become about it. But THIS, putting it out on the internet for anyone to read has been really hard for me. Putting your struggles on blast is a lot less intimate than talking with a friend who has gone through the same struggles or with someone who “gets it.”
A few months ago I read an article by Chrissy Teigen about her experience with postpartum depression and so much of it resonated with me. I’d like to include a section that knocked the breath out of me and made me stop as soon as I read it.
Chrissy gets me. It has been so hard for me to get past the selfish feeling and admit I struggle with postpartum anxiety and depression. Especially when I logically know everything in my life is good and I have the best husband and kids. Something about speaking out makes me feel ungrateful for the wonderful life I have – it’s a weird type of guilt. But Chrissy’s right, depression (postpartum or “traditional”) doesn’t discriminate. It gets everyone no matter your walk or stage of life.
I am so incredibly grateful for Cory and for the constant source of strength he provides me. He literally picks me up when I don’t have the strength to move. He is always and forever my rock. Reminding me I’m strong, brave, smart, and most of all – enough – when my brain is trying to convince me I’m not. I’m thankful for my sweet children who love me unconditionally no matter my mood. Who never stop asking, “what about a biiiig hug and kiss?” Who have wiped the tears from my cheeks more times than I can count. I often feel unworthy of their love and kindness, but they are constantly showing me the goodness in my world when I can’t always see it.
For those of you who are suffering openly or silently, I hope you know I mean it with all my heart when I say I am here. Sometimes all you need is one person on your team when everything else feels stacked against you. I will always be on your team. Always
I don’t know if depression ever leaves, but I’m learning how to cope with it each day.
I’m trying and I think that counts for something.
07/ 17/ 2017
In May Cory had to go out of town and I was FINALLY going to watch a sad movie and have the good cry my heart had been needing. I decided to watch The Light Between Oceans. It had been one of the most popular suggestions last time he went out of town. Have you ever seen The Light Between Oceans? Don’t. Please don’t. Not unless you want your heart to be sucked out of your chest and stomped on a thousand times by stupid Michael Fassbender*. Why couldn’t he leave well enough alone? WHY, MICHAEL?!?!!?
I have truly never in my life felt so completely broken after a movie. I’m the girl whose heart couldn’t stop pounding after Titanic and who ugly cried her way through reading The Fault In Our Stars on a plane and again when I saw it on screen. I like when movies make me feel but this movie went past feeling and sent me straight into a blubbering shock which led to numbness and the inability to eat ice cream. It was bad.
*I understand this is a movie and he was playing a character, but I’m taking this whole thing very personally. I haven’t been able to look at a sunset without crying since May and I am 100% blaming Michael Fassbender.
06/ 29/ 2017
Have you ever tried on pants that immediately flattened your butt like a pancake?
At American Eagle.
Because I’m 14.
I never shopped at American Eagle in junior high or high school. I’ve been a Ross/TJ Maxx girl most of my life. I’ve never been able to say no to a good deal. And call me crazy, but paying over $55 for jeans that will eventually die doesn’t make sense to me. My jeans don’t actually die, they just do this cute thing where after about a year of constant wear, they get a hole in the thigh. Thanks a lot, chub rub*.
In college I started getting my jeans at Kohl’s because they carried Levi’s “jeggings.” Before you faint at the thought of me wearing those sketchy jeggings with sewn on pockets that are more for decoration than use, CHILL. Levi’s jeggings are nothing like the sketchy jeggings that showcase every roll and divot on your thighs. No, Levi’s jeggings are like regular jeans with a bit of spandex. Levi’s jeggings have been the only jeans to hug my booty in a way that makes me look like a Kardashian. Any jeans that make my bottom look good (and for less than $50!!) are a staple in my wardrobe.
My sister bought some American Eagle hi-rise jeggings last year and would NOT. STOP. TALKING ABOUT THEM. At first I thought she was crazy for claiming that anything could be more flattering or comfortable than my beloved Levi’s. So she did what any good sister would do; she brought a pair over to my house and forced me to try them on. YOU GUYS!!!!! They were so comfortable. And honestly, the fact that I could squeeze my body in a size 12 for the first time since 2012 was a miracle. I mean, I had to jump a lot, and I couldn’t breathe or sit, but I could zip them up, so we’re calling that a win.
Yesterday I mustered the courage to walk into American Eagle for the first time in my adult life. After the initial shock of today’s trends wore off (so many holes in so many places!), I asked the 17 year-old at the cash register to “Please help me find the hi-rise jeggings.” I’d like to take this opportunity to shout out the employees at American Eagle. They were crazy nice to me. Maybe it’s because I looked like a lost sheep or they’re actually just freakishly nice people, but they were so helpful! They didn’t make me feel silly for being a 27 year-old mother of three looking for tween jeans. I’d also like to note I was the only mom there shopping for herself and not her kids. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
IDK how American Eagle does their sizing, but I’m a 14 there. SAY WHAT?!?!?!?! I’m a 16/18 in Levi’s. And I know “numbers don’t matter” blah blah blah, but it definitely put a little pep in my step. I will say that the regular “super stretch” smashed my booty like woah, but the “super SUPER stretch” cradled it juuuust right. So if you’re looking for a more rounded look and the ability to feel like you’re wearing leggings without wearing leggings, go with the super super stretch.
OKAY. Here’s what I love about the jeans.
Three and four are the most important to me. Especially when it comes to post-partum shopping. If it doesn’t make me feel good – it’s not worth my time or money. If it doesn’t make me check myself out in the mirror and smile and FEEL happy, it’s not worth it. I deserve clothes that make me look and feel good. I’m worth it.
And finally, this is in no way a sponsored post. I just bought these jeans and seriously love them. But LISTEN, AMERICAN EAGLE, IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME JEANS THAT SHOWCASE MY FINEST ASSETS IN EXCHANGE FOR A BLOG POST, I WOULDN’T HATE IT.
This is the part where I tell you to stop what you’re doing and go to American Eagle NOW and git you a pair of apple bottom jeans! Or don’t, I don’t care. But I DO want you to know how important it is to buy clothes that make you feel good. Forget the number and forget the letter. Buy clothes that flatter YOU and fit YOU and make YOU feel like a queen. Because you are. But I do need to warn you that going into AE might make you want to buy an insane amount of distressed jeans. It’s a miracle I walked out with just one pair of hole-free jeans.
06/ 19/ 2017
Growing up my family went on beach vacations. All we cared about was swimming in a warm ocean and playing in the sand. Cory grew up four-wheeling, fishing and hunting. Despite our different vacationing styles, we both loved the time we spent with our families. My family has inside jokes made on vacations taken almost ten years ago that we still reference today (brain mattah!).
Vacations are what help made our families grow stronger and closer – that’s why we bought Traylor Swift. We want Jude, Ezra and Isaac to love the outdoors as much as we do. We want to expose them to life outside of our tiny neighborhood. We want to give them a glimpse of our technology-free childhood. We want to take them to the mountains, let them play in the dirt, explore and dig and get messy. We want to let them imagine in every forest we can.
I know that technically they can do all that digging and mess-making at home, but there’s something about being in the wilderness that makes everyday activities magical. Everything’s an adventure when you’re outside.
To kick off our trailer living lives, we headed to Caribou-Targhee National Forest over Memorial Day weekend. We were rained in most of the time, but managed to make the most of it. The kids loved throwing rocks in the river and eating ice cream cones while freezing on a bench outside a gas station. I loved watching them jump in puddles with their marshmallow crusted faces.
I have a feeling buying Traylor Swift is going to be one of the best things we’ve ever done.
04/ 21/ 2017
Hello? Is this thing on? I did NOT mean to take this long of a break from making videos, but sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. And lately my heart has been wanting a lot of nights watching Netflix wrapped in the softest Christmas blanket I own. But I finally buckled down and finished editing some footage that’s about a month old. I know. I KNOOOOOW. Maybe this will get me back in the groove? Hopefully? IDK. I should probably just throw away my cozy Chrsitmas blanket and pray that dramatic solution turns me into an editing robot.
Let’s get one thing straight – I am not in any way a makeup artist. I feel like that should be obvious, but I just want to cover my bases. Last month Cory booked me a night in a hotel where I could sleep in and take a bath and forget about everyone else but me for a night. It was amazing. I decided to take advantage of that solo time to film a get ready with me video. I feel weird labeling it a get ready with me video. It’s mostly just me talking about things I usually talk about to myself in the mirror while I get ready. Except this time there aren’t any cute little kids banging on the door asking why they can’t help me with my lipstick.
03/ 19/ 2017
After a particularly rough night, church was exactly what I needed today. In Relief Society we talked about prayer and it served as such a beautiful and needed reminder that our prayers are heard. Heavenly Father knows our hearts. He hears our cries and our desperate pleas for help. We are not alone. Not ever.
These were two of my favorite quotes that stood out to me. But the whole lesson is beautiful and testimony building. Prayer is such a personal thing. It’s such a blessing. When you realize that no one else knows your heart as well as Heavenly Father, it becomes even more special. To be able to speak to a loving Father in Heaven who knows every desire and worry and hope of your heart, is such a beautiful gift. If you have a few minutes, please take the time to read it HERE.
Last night, Cory held me together as I fell apart. That sounds like such a cliche thing to say, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I cried so hard and so long it drained me completely. When I started hyperventilating, he coached me through deep breaths until I was steady again. He always helps me get steady again.
I keep meaning to talk about my experience with depression, but as soon as I think I have it “figured out” (lol. does that even exist?) life throws me another curve ball and it’s like I’m back at square one. So maybe when I get a handle on this (again) I’ll talk, but right now I’m too tired to get into it. My heart is just. so. tired.
I just felt like I needed to bear my testimony that the Lord knows each of us individually. That He blesses us with tender mercies throughout our day. I had no idea what we were going to be discussing in Relief Society. I almost didn’t go, but I’m so glad I did. I’m so glad I was able to be reminded that I am heard. I’m so grateful for a husband who prays for me and loves me unconditionally and who brings so much light and calm to my life. I’m grateful for a Father in Heaven who hears us. Who knows us and who is always there, waiting for us to turn to Him. All we have to do is ask.
God is good.
Life is beautiful.
Even when it feels heavy and dark and lonely, there is always light.
Even if it’s just a glimmer.
It’s always there.
He is always there.
03/ 16/ 2017
Every time Cory goes out of town for work I tell myself I’m going to be productive.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m going to use all that extra time scrubbing the house, organizing every drawer, closet and storage space. I’m going to go to bed early and get so much sleep I won’t know what to do with all that extra energy. Just kidding, I do. I’m going to clean and organize and finally clear the space at the foot of our bed that really likes collecting socks and laundry baskets.
But here I am. Four days in to this week long trip with folded laundry lined up on my couch and a linen closet that needs to be organized like woah.
The thing is, when Cory’s not here, I don’t go to bed until 1-ish. I’m not doing anything special or productive. I just stay up because I can. But no good comes from staying up too late looking at pictures of my babies when they were babies. It doesn’t make morning easier and it definitely doesn’t give me the energy I need to tackle that LET’S DO IT!!! list I keep adding to.
It doesn’t help that the weather has been absolutely gorgeous so the kids and I spend most of our days outside. They’re still a little too young to play outside by themselves, so I have to be there to supervise. This is when having a kitchen located in the back of the house with a window overlooking the backyard would come in handy. Think of how many dishes I could wash! Think of how many drawers would be organized! Think of how amazing I would be if only I had a kitchen with a window overlooking my backyard!
So then I get distracted thinking of every possible way I can completely rearrange my house to make that dream a reality. I’ve spent more time drawing sketches of a remodel that’s never going to happen than I have putting away all the laundry I’ve folded. Is there someone out there who will put my laundry away? I don’t mind washing. I don’t even mind folding, but taking those extra three minutes to put it all away is like pulling teeth.
ugggghhhhhhh. I have to go now. Jude is growling at me and demanding we make art. I swear cutting my kids off from the TV has made them as feral as it has creative.
03/ 13/ 2017
Hey girl HEEEEYYY.
The time has finally come for me to give you the low-down on the Elvy City Tour Diaper Backpack. In case you missed it, I did an unboxing of the bag last month. You can watch it HERE. It’s been three weeks and I can honestly say I love this bag. I could write a long post about how great I think it is, but it might just be easier for you to watch it.
Now for the fun stuff! When I saw how much you all loved the bag, I reached out to Elvy and asked them if they’d be willing to partner up for a giveaway. Guess what? THEY SAID YES. That means one of you beautiful gems has the chance to win your very own Elvy City Tour Diaper Backpack!
HOW TO ENTER
These aren’t necessary to enter the giveaway, but each extra entry is worth five points, soo…
If you’re still reading this, I just wanted to thank you so much for being so wonderful and supportive. I know it might sound fake, but I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. Fear of failure keeps me from doing a lot of things, but you guys have accepted this YouTube venture of mine with open hearts and bellowing “YAAAS’s” and it makes me feel like I can do anything. You are the wind beneath my wings. Okay, that’s a lie. Cory’s the wind beneath my wings. You can be all the colors in the wind. I feel like that’s a good compromise. I love you guys. For realzies.
03/ 07/ 2017
I cannot get a handle on my emotions lately. Why does dream chasing have to be so overwhelming? Why can’t motherhood and Boss Lady-ing (I hate saying that) co-exist effortlessly? Why can’t my kids peacefully nap whenever I want to film or write? Why can’t my microphone be consistently plugged in so I don’t waste 24 minutes of that precious, peaceful time for nothing? Why can’t my kids drink their watered down apple juice instead of spitting it down my back. Why can’t editing videos be a quick 30-minute deal? But I think the biggest question of all is, WHY AM I SUCH A WHINER?
The only thing I hate worse than complainers is complaining. I never want to be one of those people dumping all their issues online, but here I am. Dumping. I realize these are 100% first world problems. I get it. But the thing about my depression is that these dumb non-issue issues are huge for me. They consume me. They make me cry eight times in one day. They make me run out of waterproof mascara faster than ever before. They overwhelm me to the point of anger and hopelessness.
I don’t know why I feel like I have to do everything all at once. My brain does this funny thing where it realizes I have a lot on my plate and then it’s like, “Hey, B, why don’t you get off your lazy butt and exercise or something? It’s not like you have a lot going on. Everyone else does it. Why can’t you do it too?” I think it’s because I have all these things I know are supposed to help my mental health and instead of tackling one or two sections on the self-care wheel like a normal person, I want to take the whole pie.
I REALIZE I AM SETTING MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP ME.
And that’s how I end up here – curled up on my couch with tear-stained cheeks and a shirt crunchy from apple juice spit. It’s a cycle. One I used to go through a lot more often. I feel grateful I haven’t been back in this place for a while, but that makes being here now hard. I know this isn’t normal. I know I’m not being rational. I know I’m letting my doubt and feelings of inadequacy swallow up my confidence. I see it happening. I know it’s happening. But I don’t know how to stop it. It’s like I’m slipping on ice and I’m falling and I know I’m falling but I can’t stop myself from falling.
I thank the heavens every day for the quite moments I have when my heart feels light and my worries are paused. Whether it’s Cory randomly calling to tell me he loves me or watching the kids pile into Jude’s bed after breakfast to play sleepover. They are my sunshine. It doesn’t make everything better, but it lifts my heavy soul. That lift helps me get through the next hurdle. And I need all the help I can get right now.
Life is hard. Motherhood is hard. Balance is hard.
You’re not alone.
03/ 01/ 2017
Before we dive into the bashing, let’s take care of some business! My friend Lauren and I have decided to throw a Bachelor Finale viewing party! We’re calling it The Bach Bash Bash and we can’t wait. We’re really excited about getting together with you and bashing the crap out of Nick who will definitely spend half the episode crying. It’s going to be so fun.
If you’re local to Utah and are interested in coming, please fill out this form! It’ll be on Monday, March 13 at 7:00 pm. We’re watching it LIVE so come a little early if you don’t want to miss watching Nick dramatically stare at the ocean from his balcony.
It’s going to be a laid-back girls night with soda, snacks and drama! This party is open to anyone and everyone. If you consider yourself part of Bachelor Nation, we want you there. If you hate Nick but love snacks, we want you there. If you’re one of the 1% of the population who for some reason likes Nick, we want you there. I promise I’ll talk to you and love you for you despite your love for the devil himself. The point is, we love everyone and we want everyone there.
The only thing I love more than bashing on The Bachelor alone in my living room is bashing on The Bachelor with a group of ladies who GET IT. So bring a snack, bring a friend (or five) and come on over. It’s gonna be a rill good time.
When I first started this series, I had every intention for these to be weekly videos. But as long as this season keeps moving at a glacial pace, I’m going to keep combining episodes. It literally takes me an entire week to watch ONE episode of The Bachelor. It’s so boring I have to stop so I can focus on folding my laundry and then I forget to finish watching.
This week we’re talking Bimini adventures and home towns. We FINALLY meet sweet Raquel and choke back tears when we see how much money Corrine spends on one outfit for Nick. Hint: it was more than I paid for a semester of college. I didn’t mention it in my video, but I think Rachel’s brother-in-law should replace Chris Harrison as host because he’s hilarious and would be a breath of fresh air. But since bad things happen to good people, Chris will probably stay on as host until one of us dies.
It’s a real good time people. I can’t wait to see how many episodes ABC splits the Fantasy Suite episode into. *insert eye roll here*
OH! One more thing. I made myself a Facebook page. Feel free to like and follow along there for new videos and posts!
You guys are the true MVPs. I love you. I really do.